Thursday, June 4, 2015

Why hello there...

So it seems it's been awhile since I've written.  No, I haven't not fallen off the face of the earth, but a lot sure has happened.  I'll spare you the history lesson and just go from here forward.

I am not happy.  I can realize this and can admit it, if only to myself and strangers on the internet.  Recently we have moved to San Diego.  By recently I mean January of this year.  I left a job that I absolutely loved in Virginia working with people I absolutely adored.  My job filled my proverbial cup.  My friends in Virginia and my volunteer commitments filled it too.  I was happy.  Even if I was stressed out, I was happy.

Since packing up and heading 2700 miles away, I've become someone I don't like.  Someone who spends her days in her room, in her dark house, crying while her 13 year old is at school and husband is at work.  Someone who feels positively invisible when she goes to the grocery store and people just bump right into her or push past her with no regard.  Someone whose health has gone completely to crap since moving, except I did quit smoking, so that's a good thing I guess.  I hate this.  This is not me.

I feel resentment towards my husband.  I resent that his career has taken me away from my home.  Almost 20 years for him in the Navy and most of it was spent in Virginia, my home.  Now we are in California, his home, and I hate it.  I am trying not to resent him, but I can't stop that from creeping in.  He wanted to move here.  I've always said that I would go where ever, but I'm starting to realize maybe I was lying to myself.

I hate it here.  The people I encounter are rude.  Traffic is horrible and drivers are awful.  Everything is so ridiculously expensive.  I can't find a job.  I have been unemployed for 6 months now and it sucks.  We are sinking.  I need work.  I need friends.  I need my life back.

I'm not sure how to go about fixing this.  I'm not sure I can fix this anymore.