A million steps back.

We are officially without a BCBA now.  We let ours go today due to a string of unfortunate events that led us to that decision.  I'm mad as hell and frustrated.  Things were going so well.  The kiddo loved the girl who was working with him.  We all loved our BCBA, but shit happens and we are back to square one.. yet again.  I don't want to go through this process again.  I don't want to make the phone calls, listen to people say they are too far away or have them not even return my phone calls. 

Our BCBA did say he will help us find someone new, but I'm really  not holding my breath.  I feel so defeated right now.  And through all of this frustration, it's the kiddo who is really going to feel the effects of this.  It's him who is being left in the dark because several adults didn't hold up their end of the bargain.  It's his heartbroken face I had to look into when I had to tell him that we will no longer be working with Mary, the girl who had been working with him. 

I don't want to do this all over again.  I sure as hell do not want to find someone and have my child bond with him or her again and then have them up and leave again.  I'm not sure I can put my trust into anyone else right now, but we really need to get this set up and going again.. preferably BEFORE school starts.  So, I will suck it up and go from here.. and hope someone will be easily able to pick these pieces up before the kiddo regresses any from all this drama.

what will the future hold?

I find myself wondering lately how the kiddo is going to survive middle school and beyond.  How will he navigate the social hierarchy of each? He has no concept of social boundaries, he has no clue that kids aren't really playing with him.  Will he by then?  How will he navigate the complicated and confusing adult world when the time comes?  He's going into 4th grade in the fall and that alone scares me, I can't even imagine how I'll be feeling when he starts middle school in another two years or high school in five years.  He's almost 9 and is so oblivious to the world around him sometimes.  Kids his age are starting to develop deep friendships.  I still talk to my best friend from third and fourth grade and I moved away from there before fifth grade.  20 some odd years later, we still chat on facebook occasionally, she even traveled here to be at my wedding 13 years ago.  Will he find a friend like that?  Will he develop friendships so deep he'll never completely lose contact with them, even after we move away once again?  I wish I knew for certain that he was going to be ok.  I wish I knew for certain we would always have kids who are so incredibly understanding of his differences that they can look beyond that and see the person he truly is. 

Right now he's in the summer enrichment program at school.  Despite a few behavioral issues, he's doing alright, but the kids don't really care for him.  It breaks my heart that they find him annoying.  Yeah he is at times, but so is everyone else at times.  He's probably the youngest kid in there, which doesn't help matters anyway, but I wish the older kids could realize and understand that he just needs their approval and support, not to be made fun of and shunned because he's annoying them.  I wish the neighborhood kids could understand that he's just like them.  I wish he could really play with them and not just be playing around them. 

I'm frustrated because I don't know what to do to make things better for him.  I want him to have a happy life and I want him to succeed in everything he does, but it scares me that he will not find true happiness in the world around him.  I want him to have every change he possibly can in life and I wonder if he really will.