Tonight was hard.

We visited with the kiddo tonight. He was agitated the whole time we were there and kept wanting us to leave because he wanted to play on the computer. It was not a fun visit. I don't know if the meds are causing it or what.. who knows. All I know is I'm tired. The husband is here, and not out to sea. He is on leave again this week. And quite honestly, I want him gone. He's driving me up a wall. I really just want to be here alone.. despite it sucking to be here alone, I don't want to talk to him or even be around him.. I'm just irritated with everything that comes out of his mouth.

So I'm going to bed.. because if I don't, I'll just be bitchy all night long. Besides that, I feel like crap.. I wish I wasn't still sick. blah

Today was not a good day.

I don't know if I can do this.

I'm so alone right now. My house is too quiet, being here alone with just the dog and cat sucks. I miss the kiddo. I hate that he's in the hospital right now. I'm so scared and worried about him. Is he hungry? Is he tired? Does he know we love him? Does he need anything? I'm a freaking mess right now. I do not want to wait until 6 PM to see him. This sucks. I am second guessing myself now and it truly sucks. I need to just get dressed and go do something. Being alone sucks. Wish I had some friends here that I could hang out with. I'm losing my own mind today.

I don't even know what I should tell people. People are going to start asking me where he is soon.. what do I say? How do I explain it to them? Do I lie and just say he's visiting family? Do I say he's in the hospital? What do I do????

I'm not doing good at all today. I need to see him to know he's ok.. time needs to move faster.

We did it.

We put him in the hospital. That was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Maybe we should have just listened to them 10 days ago and done it then, but oh well... it's done now. He was ok when we left him there.. we'll see how the night goes. This sucks.

I'm tired.

I'm over this. I want off this ride, it sucks. It's not fair and it just sucks. How do I decide enough is enough and just take him to the hospital, since we can't do it the way we were trying to plan to. How do I get him in the car and over there and then have the strength to leave him there? How do I walk out of that place without him with me? I'm scared every minute, hell every second, something is going to set him off and he's going to go totally psycho on me. He's a 48 pound 7 year old for cripes sake, I should not be scared of him! Everything I tell him he responds with no. He will not follow instructions, he will not do anything I ask him to do, he constantly responds with "well you hate me then" or "you don't love me" or "you are trying to kill me". *sigh* I can't take this much longer. Something needs to happen. I wish I could say if we took him right now that the husband could be here DEFINITELY to be a part of this process, but the truth of the matter is, the answer to that is probably no. And most of all, he HAS to be here for this because he needs to learn how to keep his shit under control too. He needs to learn NOT to over react when the kid does things, and I've been telling him that since toddlerdome and it obviously hasn't sunk in. So I cannot do the whole hospital thing without him being here because otherwise it's not going to help things completely.

I'm freaking exhausted. I'm sick (literally.. blah) and tired and I'm a total bitch right now because my patience is worn thing. I don't have it left in me to fight anymore. I can't do it. I think we need to just pack him up and take him to the hospital but I know the husband feels differently about that. So we sit and wait. Maybe if the kid breaks my nose because he hit me, then maybe the husband would finally think hospitalization is necessary. I don't know what it's going to take to get it through his head. I just want my kid fixed. Is that too much to ask? I should not be scared of my child.. ever and it breaks my heart that I am. :(

well we had a plan..

we came up with what we thought was the best plan for the kiddo. I spoke to our therapist this morning and told her the plan. Our plan was to bring him to the hospital the week before spring break. He would only miss one day of school and then the husband would be home the entire time the kiddo would be in the hospital. Anytime before that, the husband would be out to sea and it is imperative that he be there when the kiddo is in the hospital. It took many conversations and arguements and sleepless nights to come up with this decision and know in our hearts that this is the right choice for the kiddo.

So the therapist thought our plan was a good one and told me to call the hospital and let them know. I did. The person on the other end of the phone told me we could not plan an admission to the hospital. ummm why not? He needs the help regardless if we do it today, tomorrow or two weeks from now. She told me that we had to wait until we had another serious incident again before we could admit him. We can't just plan out an admission like we wanted to do. So I don't know where we go from here. I really have no idea. If he gets out of control next week while the hubby is gone, do I take him to the hospital then? What f-ing good will that do for the husband who NEEDS to be there for treatment and counseling and to just talk to the doctors? He NEEDS to be there to hear what they have to say. I can tell him everything until I'm blue in the face, but I do not think he will ever truly get it unless he actually hears it from a doctor.

So I feel like we're back to square one again. I just don't know what to do. Something has to change here.. we need help and we need it quickly. I feel like I'm drowing sometimes, other times I feel like I'm just rolling over and ignoring it because I don't want to set off the kiddo. I'm nervous and I'm scared and I just want him better. :(

I'm so conflicted.

I am so torn right now. I don't know what to do and I wish someone could just tell me the right choice to make. The kiddo needs help. period. end of story. He needs help. More help than I can give him, more help than the professionals we see now can give him. Was it a mistake not admitting him to the hospital last Wednesday when this all went down? Should I put him in a day treatment facility? Honestly, that seems like the best option for us. But they have a waiting list. :( That does him no good. So what do I do in the meantime? I wish I could find some sort of therapy place that can see him on a very regular basis and ensure that we get a handle on this. I wish that I had a magic wand to make this all go away and make my kid normal again. It kills me that he's this messed up, but I'm scared for my safety. What happens when the hubby is out to sea and the kiddo grabs a knife and comes after me because he's so angry? What happens if he hurts me so badly I cannot call for help? What happens if he's so out of control and I have to call the police to come subdue my fucking 7 year old? I'm scared. I'm worried, I'm scared, I'm anxious, I'm nervous as hell, I just want a normal kid. That's all. Is that too much to ask? Should I call the hospital back and admit him since the hubby is definitely off work for the next week? Is that the right thing to do? Would a week be enough to fix him? I hate this. I fucking hate this.

Mindless rambling..

so much is going on right now. The kiddo did not go to school today as we had planned. He says he doesn't want to go back at all, so we'll see where we end up with that. If I thought I could effectively home school him, I would do it in a heartbeat, but I cannot provide him with what he needs right now.

the psych and the therapist both think my child needs to be admitted to a hospital or a day treatment program. I gave in and called the day facility today. While I think it would be a viable option for us, they have a waiting list and they can't say how long we'd be on it. The good news is, they offer anger management therapy for kids and parenting skills workshops to help us better deal with this. I am going to fill out the application and go through the screening process with them and hopefully at the very least we can do these things. Even if it completely disrupts our regular schedule, we need to do something.

I'm not denying that something needs to change, because I wholeheartedly agree it does. I've been telling his doctors that for months. And unfortunately now we are at a point where there needs to be extreme measures taken according to them.

I'm exhausted.. both emotionally and physically. I've lost 7 pounds since Wednesday when this all went down because I'm barely able to eat. I'm on the verge of tears constantly and hold my breath every time I tell him no about something. I should not be living my life in fear of my 7 year old child. I wish I had an immediate solution that we could start working with right now, besides admitting to the hospital. I've been second guessing myself since we were at the hospital Wednesday. I want him to not be so angry anymore. I want him to be happy. I want to see him smiling all the time, not looking so sad and depressed all the time. I want things back to normal.