I think I want to go back to school.. again.. haha

I've been helping a friend of mine deal with a crappy ineffective IEP lately. I've given her tons of advice on how to handle her upcoming meeting. I've given her the resources she needs to understand the IEP and to understand exactly what her son needs. It has been a very fullfilling experience. I am seriously considering becoming a special education advocate. I enjoy helping other parents so much with these things and I think it would be a good career move for me.

So I'm considering going back to school. I am so close to atleast obtaining my associates degree. I would love to be able to take some classes on educational law and such too. I'm consdering going to school to get my paraprofessional certification, so I can also work with special needs children in the classroom setting.

Someone told me a few months back that she could really see me in a advocacy position. I'm starting to feel that way too. I'm not sure where to start or how to do this, but I feel like this is something that would be fullfilling for me and it's the path I'm meant to be on. So hopefully this journey can begin.

I'm also going to get together what I need to start a special needs support group here on the base. There are tons of special needs children here on base and I think a support group would be a great thing. I miss the support I had living in Va Beach and I would love to help the other families here find the support they need as well.

I know none of this is going to be easy, but I really feel a pull to do this and I hope it's something I can succeed in.

Feeling Defeated

I've spent the better part of the morning researching bipolar medications trying to find one that is relatively safe for the kiddo. Pretty much all of them can cause tardive dyskynesia, which automatically takes them off our list. We have an appointment tomorrow with the psychiatrist. I'm not holding my breath that we will find the right med for the kiddo. I'm praying once he's completely off the abilify that we don't have a return of violent mood swings and such. I'm praying we can actually take a go at this without medication until we see the nuerologist. I'm scared once we're completely off medications that he's going to become manic again forcing us into hospitalization once again and I'm not sure I can deal with that again. Mood disorders are such a horribly ugly thing and sometimes it takes all I have just to get through the day.

Can we be normal for a minute?

I wonder if our lives will ever be normal. I wonder if our lives will continue to be consumed with doctors appointments, medications, school and so on. So much has changed lately. We've moved to the depths of hell, errr Dahlgren, VA.. don't ask, it's nowhere. We have to drive an hour at least for any doctors appointments. The ONLY aba we found was in Pennsylvania.. 4 hours away! We have been through trial and error with meds. Now we are battling a new demon called tardive diskynesia. It's a horrible movement disorder that has me so scared that the kiddo is going to seriously hurt his neck one day because of it. He's constantly moving, constantly throwing his head back, flapping his hands, or just pacing back and forth. The only time he's perfectly still is when he's sleeping and then his sleep is filled with him talking in his sleep or waking up scared. Tardive Diskynesia was brought on by Abilify. I'm so angry at doctors for not being more careful with him. I'm so angry at them for not doing nuerological exams everytime we went in, so angry at them for brushing me off when I mentioned certain symptoms. I'm angry at them for never once telling me that this is a potential side effect.. a permanent side effect that he will be battling for the rest of his life most likely!

Moving was the worst thing we did. I love my friends here dearly, but PCSing in the middle of the school year is a nightmare. NEVER again will we do this because the kiddo has had the roughest go of things since moving here in October. He is not even going to school full time anymore, most of his learning takes place at home. I'm not even sure what our plan will be for next year yet, but I'm seriously considering full on homeschooling because I don't care much for the school. Maybe a change in administration will occur over the summer and then maybe my feelings will be different.. but for now, who knows.

I just wonder if things will ever be normal for us. I'm constantly worried and stressed out, so short tempered.. it's just no fun these days. I need a serious vacation, alone!!! I miss the beach and wish I could go back down there to visit my friends and just sit in the warm sand and stare out at the ocean for hours. I wish we could go a month without needing to go to a doctors appointment or worry about changing a medication or worry about what the hell these meds have done to the kiddo. I don't live my life dwelling on the past.. what's happened has happened.. but it sure would be nice to get a break.. even if for just a day or two...

why can't people just be happy with what they have?

I don't understand it. Why not be happy with what you already have? Why the constant search for more and more that only leads you straight to total disappointment? I don't get it. Why do people feel the need to put themselves through emotional and physical pain over and over again? I guess some people just can't be happy. I mean I wish we had more kids, I wish the kiddo had a sibling. For awhile I was ready to deal with the fertility doctor, but he was an ass and now I'm fine with it. We have a small family and maybe one day we'll add to it by adoption or by the birth of another child. IF that day comes, I will welcome it, but if it doesn't, I will not mourn the loss of what could be. Yeah, I'd love for the hubby to be higher ranking, but again, if that day never comes, it's ok. We can manage with what we have right now and still live a pretty complete life. We're not struggling by any means. I'm happy with things just the way they are. Why can't other people see how ridiculously full their own lives are and be happy with it?

well doesn't that just suck!

We've been waiting on a letter from VB schools gifted committee about the kiddo. This past year he was put on HOLDS status which means give him the gifted work and then some, test him at the end of the year and we'll see what happens. He had the testing done a few weeks ago. I got the results today. They deemed him not gifted. Now, I'm totally fine with that, but some explanation would be nice. I want to know why. I'm sure his teacher and the gifted teacher will be floored when they get the letter on Monday. They are both blown away by the kiddo and how well he's done this year. So now I have to wait until Monday when I can contact the gifted committee person and find out what the dealy is.

This also poses another problem for me. Seeing as I work at the kiddo's school, I've gotten to know some of the teachers. I know which teachers I want him with and which I don't. With him not receiving the gifted status this next year, I no longer know which class he will be in. This puts me in the really awkward position of having to go to our principal and request that he not be put in a specific teacher's class. I don't mind this teacher as a person, but I do not think she would be the best teacher for my son at all and I will not let him be in her class.. period. I really did not want to have to do this, but it has to be done now, since I'm not guaranteed him being in the class I was hoping he'd be in.

I'm very interested in knowing what happened with his testing. I want to know what specifically the problem is. I'm afraid they are going to tell me his writing ability is the problem, because I'm sure any of his written work that was turned in for his portfolio to them was practically illegible. If that was the problem, then I'm appealing the hell out of this because that's part of his "disability" and he should not be denied gifted status because of it.

I hate that i have to wait until Monday. I'm going over to the school Monday morning to talk to his teacher and the gifted resource teacher to hear their thoughts on all this. It sucks not knowing what the reason is. Why they do not just put it in the letter is beyond me.

I don't care about the label either way, I really don't. Gifted or not doesn't matter to me. I think he's the most brilliant amazing kid. He's smart as can be and can rattle off any bit of information about everything they've learned throughout the year and is always eager to learn more. He wants to do research projects over the summer! It just sucks that we will probably be put in a class next year with a lower expectation and that frustrates the hell out of me. I want him to stay in the gifted cluster class because that's where he is thriving.

I also really don't want to have to talk to the principal and tell her that I don't want him in that particular teachers class. It sucks that I have to do that, but she would not be the best teacher for him at all.

We'll see what Monday brings I guess. I'll try not to stress over it between now and then.

so we've been doing ABA for a month now..

I really like our ABA therapist. She's amazing with the kiddo and he loves her. She has some of the most simple ideas that work wonders. Often I'm left wondering "well why the hell didn't I think of that?" We've got a reward system in place for him to help him control his anger. It's working somewhat. She made him a binder with anger management stuff in it that we need to keep going over I think. She gets him to do his homework with ease, he even asks to do it with her instead of me on days she's coming. I think this is a good thing.

Lately I've been really taking a look at things. I wonder if he is truly on the autism spectrum. I don't doubt in a few years someone will give us a whole new diagnosis. I'm so confused about everything. Everyone who meets him says "he doesn't seem like he has aspergers" but to me he does.. based on everything I've learned about it. I dunno. At least right now we can get help that will be good for us. We've got the ABA therapist and I think that's helping us tremendously. I'm learning different and better ways to deal with things, he's learning coping skills from someone other than me. We're all learning something here.

I hope it continues to go well for us. With everything else, we need a bit of good. Hopefully he will continue to respond to her and he will continue to learn coping strategies. I just want him to grow up to have a normal life. No matter what he is labeled with.

hmmm it's been awhile...

I'm tired. What else is new. It's been awhile since I've written. Things are slowly improving with the kiddo. I dunno, things still suck quite often. Right now he's passed out on the couch after having a meltdown (in front of the new neighbor nonetheless) and throwing things at me. I'm sure he hurt himself in the process too because he smacked the back of his hand on his scooter. I'm not even sure where that is right now. I'm frustrated to no end right now. I'm tired and frustrated. Our new psych is fucking useless. We still have not found the right combination of medication for Connor and I'm over it. I'm ready to say fuck you to them all and just take him off everything. It kills me that he's on so many different strong medications and nothing is helping him. What the fuck? I know.. trial and error and all that bullshit, but enough is enough. Yeah, I'm pissed off. I'm tired, frustrated and pissed off. I hate this shit so much. I love my son to the moon and back, but I'm so sick and tired of this. I hate being afraid to go anywhere because I'm afraid he will lose it, I hate having people over for the same reason. My time, energy and all my focus goes towards making sure he is happy and I get lost in the insanity. My marriage is a joke, I'm fucking exhausted and I just want some sense of normalcy in my life. Is that too much to ask?