why can't people just be happy with what they have?

I don't understand it. Why not be happy with what you already have? Why the constant search for more and more that only leads you straight to total disappointment? I don't get it. Why do people feel the need to put themselves through emotional and physical pain over and over again? I guess some people just can't be happy. I mean I wish we had more kids, I wish the kiddo had a sibling. For awhile I was ready to deal with the fertility doctor, but he was an ass and now I'm fine with it. We have a small family and maybe one day we'll add to it by adoption or by the birth of another child. IF that day comes, I will welcome it, but if it doesn't, I will not mourn the loss of what could be. Yeah, I'd love for the hubby to be higher ranking, but again, if that day never comes, it's ok. We can manage with what we have right now and still live a pretty complete life. We're not struggling by any means. I'm happy with things just the way they are. Why can't other people see how ridiculously full their own lives are and be happy with it?

well doesn't that just suck!

We've been waiting on a letter from VB schools gifted committee about the kiddo. This past year he was put on HOLDS status which means give him the gifted work and then some, test him at the end of the year and we'll see what happens. He had the testing done a few weeks ago. I got the results today. They deemed him not gifted. Now, I'm totally fine with that, but some explanation would be nice. I want to know why. I'm sure his teacher and the gifted teacher will be floored when they get the letter on Monday. They are both blown away by the kiddo and how well he's done this year. So now I have to wait until Monday when I can contact the gifted committee person and find out what the dealy is.

This also poses another problem for me. Seeing as I work at the kiddo's school, I've gotten to know some of the teachers. I know which teachers I want him with and which I don't. With him not receiving the gifted status this next year, I no longer know which class he will be in. This puts me in the really awkward position of having to go to our principal and request that he not be put in a specific teacher's class. I don't mind this teacher as a person, but I do not think she would be the best teacher for my son at all and I will not let him be in her class.. period. I really did not want to have to do this, but it has to be done now, since I'm not guaranteed him being in the class I was hoping he'd be in.

I'm very interested in knowing what happened with his testing. I want to know what specifically the problem is. I'm afraid they are going to tell me his writing ability is the problem, because I'm sure any of his written work that was turned in for his portfolio to them was practically illegible. If that was the problem, then I'm appealing the hell out of this because that's part of his "disability" and he should not be denied gifted status because of it.

I hate that i have to wait until Monday. I'm going over to the school Monday morning to talk to his teacher and the gifted resource teacher to hear their thoughts on all this. It sucks not knowing what the reason is. Why they do not just put it in the letter is beyond me.

I don't care about the label either way, I really don't. Gifted or not doesn't matter to me. I think he's the most brilliant amazing kid. He's smart as can be and can rattle off any bit of information about everything they've learned throughout the year and is always eager to learn more. He wants to do research projects over the summer! It just sucks that we will probably be put in a class next year with a lower expectation and that frustrates the hell out of me. I want him to stay in the gifted cluster class because that's where he is thriving.

I also really don't want to have to talk to the principal and tell her that I don't want him in that particular teachers class. It sucks that I have to do that, but she would not be the best teacher for him at all.

We'll see what Monday brings I guess. I'll try not to stress over it between now and then.

so we've been doing ABA for a month now..

I really like our ABA therapist. She's amazing with the kiddo and he loves her. She has some of the most simple ideas that work wonders. Often I'm left wondering "well why the hell didn't I think of that?" We've got a reward system in place for him to help him control his anger. It's working somewhat. She made him a binder with anger management stuff in it that we need to keep going over I think. She gets him to do his homework with ease, he even asks to do it with her instead of me on days she's coming. I think this is a good thing.

Lately I've been really taking a look at things. I wonder if he is truly on the autism spectrum. I don't doubt in a few years someone will give us a whole new diagnosis. I'm so confused about everything. Everyone who meets him says "he doesn't seem like he has aspergers" but to me he does.. based on everything I've learned about it. I dunno. At least right now we can get help that will be good for us. We've got the ABA therapist and I think that's helping us tremendously. I'm learning different and better ways to deal with things, he's learning coping skills from someone other than me. We're all learning something here.

I hope it continues to go well for us. With everything else, we need a bit of good. Hopefully he will continue to respond to her and he will continue to learn coping strategies. I just want him to grow up to have a normal life. No matter what he is labeled with.

hmmm it's been awhile...

I'm tired. What else is new. It's been awhile since I've written. Things are slowly improving with the kiddo. I dunno, things still suck quite often. Right now he's passed out on the couch after having a meltdown (in front of the new neighbor nonetheless) and throwing things at me. I'm sure he hurt himself in the process too because he smacked the back of his hand on his scooter. I'm not even sure where that is right now. I'm frustrated to no end right now. I'm tired and frustrated. Our new psych is fucking useless. We still have not found the right combination of medication for Connor and I'm over it. I'm ready to say fuck you to them all and just take him off everything. It kills me that he's on so many different strong medications and nothing is helping him. What the fuck? I know.. trial and error and all that bullshit, but enough is enough. Yeah, I'm pissed off. I'm tired, frustrated and pissed off. I hate this shit so much. I love my son to the moon and back, but I'm so sick and tired of this. I hate being afraid to go anywhere because I'm afraid he will lose it, I hate having people over for the same reason. My time, energy and all my focus goes towards making sure he is happy and I get lost in the insanity. My marriage is a joke, I'm fucking exhausted and I just want some sense of normalcy in my life. Is that too much to ask?

Tonight was hard.

We visited with the kiddo tonight. He was agitated the whole time we were there and kept wanting us to leave because he wanted to play on the computer. It was not a fun visit. I don't know if the meds are causing it or what.. who knows. All I know is I'm tired. The husband is here, and not out to sea. He is on leave again this week. And quite honestly, I want him gone. He's driving me up a wall. I really just want to be here alone.. despite it sucking to be here alone, I don't want to talk to him or even be around him.. I'm just irritated with everything that comes out of his mouth.

So I'm going to bed.. because if I don't, I'll just be bitchy all night long. Besides that, I feel like crap.. I wish I wasn't still sick. blah

Today was not a good day.

I don't know if I can do this.

I'm so alone right now. My house is too quiet, being here alone with just the dog and cat sucks. I miss the kiddo. I hate that he's in the hospital right now. I'm so scared and worried about him. Is he hungry? Is he tired? Does he know we love him? Does he need anything? I'm a freaking mess right now. I do not want to wait until 6 PM to see him. This sucks. I am second guessing myself now and it truly sucks. I need to just get dressed and go do something. Being alone sucks. Wish I had some friends here that I could hang out with. I'm losing my own mind today.

I don't even know what I should tell people. People are going to start asking me where he is soon.. what do I say? How do I explain it to them? Do I lie and just say he's visiting family? Do I say he's in the hospital? What do I do????

I'm not doing good at all today. I need to see him to know he's ok.. time needs to move faster.

We did it.

We put him in the hospital. That was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Maybe we should have just listened to them 10 days ago and done it then, but oh well... it's done now. He was ok when we left him there.. we'll see how the night goes. This sucks.