Monday, March 16, 2009

I'm so conflicted.

I am so torn right now. I don't know what to do and I wish someone could just tell me the right choice to make. The kiddo needs help. period. end of story. He needs help. More help than I can give him, more help than the professionals we see now can give him. Was it a mistake not admitting him to the hospital last Wednesday when this all went down? Should I put him in a day treatment facility? Honestly, that seems like the best option for us. But they have a waiting list. :( That does him no good. So what do I do in the meantime? I wish I could find some sort of therapy place that can see him on a very regular basis and ensure that we get a handle on this. I wish that I had a magic wand to make this all go away and make my kid normal again. It kills me that he's this messed up, but I'm scared for my safety. What happens when the hubby is out to sea and the kiddo grabs a knife and comes after me because he's so angry? What happens if he hurts me so badly I cannot call for help? What happens if he's so out of control and I have to call the police to come subdue my fucking 7 year old? I'm scared. I'm worried, I'm scared, I'm anxious, I'm nervous as hell, I just want a normal kid. That's all. Is that too much to ask? Should I call the hospital back and admit him since the hubby is definitely off work for the next week? Is that the right thing to do? Would a week be enough to fix him? I hate this. I fucking hate this.

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