Saturday, March 21, 2009

I'm tired.

I'm over this. I want off this ride, it sucks. It's not fair and it just sucks. How do I decide enough is enough and just take him to the hospital, since we can't do it the way we were trying to plan to. How do I get him in the car and over there and then have the strength to leave him there? How do I walk out of that place without him with me? I'm scared every minute, hell every second, something is going to set him off and he's going to go totally psycho on me. He's a 48 pound 7 year old for cripes sake, I should not be scared of him! Everything I tell him he responds with no. He will not follow instructions, he will not do anything I ask him to do, he constantly responds with "well you hate me then" or "you don't love me" or "you are trying to kill me". *sigh* I can't take this much longer. Something needs to happen. I wish I could say if we took him right now that the husband could be here DEFINITELY to be a part of this process, but the truth of the matter is, the answer to that is probably no. And most of all, he HAS to be here for this because he needs to learn how to keep his shit under control too. He needs to learn NOT to over react when the kid does things, and I've been telling him that since toddlerdome and it obviously hasn't sunk in. So I cannot do the whole hospital thing without him being here because otherwise it's not going to help things completely.

I'm freaking exhausted. I'm sick (literally.. blah) and tired and I'm a total bitch right now because my patience is worn thing. I don't have it left in me to fight anymore. I can't do it. I think we need to just pack him up and take him to the hospital but I know the husband feels differently about that. So we sit and wait. Maybe if the kid breaks my nose because he hit me, then maybe the husband would finally think hospitalization is necessary. I don't know what it's going to take to get it through his head. I just want my kid fixed. Is that too much to ask? I should not be scared of my child.. ever and it breaks my heart that I am. :(

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