Tonight was hard.

We visited with the kiddo tonight. He was agitated the whole time we were there and kept wanting us to leave because he wanted to play on the computer. It was not a fun visit. I don't know if the meds are causing it or what.. who knows. All I know is I'm tired. The husband is here, and not out to sea. He is on leave again this week. And quite honestly, I want him gone. He's driving me up a wall. I really just want to be here alone.. despite it sucking to be here alone, I don't want to talk to him or even be around him.. I'm just irritated with everything that comes out of his mouth.

So I'm going to bed.. because if I don't, I'll just be bitchy all night long. Besides that, I feel like crap.. I wish I wasn't still sick. blah

Today was not a good day.

I don't know if I can do this.

I'm so alone right now. My house is too quiet, being here alone with just the dog and cat sucks. I miss the kiddo. I hate that he's in the hospital right now. I'm so scared and worried about him. Is he hungry? Is he tired? Does he know we love him? Does he need anything? I'm a freaking mess right now. I do not want to wait until 6 PM to see him. This sucks. I am second guessing myself now and it truly sucks. I need to just get dressed and go do something. Being alone sucks. Wish I had some friends here that I could hang out with. I'm losing my own mind today.

I don't even know what I should tell people. People are going to start asking me where he is soon.. what do I say? How do I explain it to them? Do I lie and just say he's visiting family? Do I say he's in the hospital? What do I do????

I'm not doing good at all today. I need to see him to know he's ok.. time needs to move faster.

We did it.

We put him in the hospital. That was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Maybe we should have just listened to them 10 days ago and done it then, but oh well... it's done now. He was ok when we left him there.. we'll see how the night goes. This sucks.

I'm tired.

I'm over this. I want off this ride, it sucks. It's not fair and it just sucks. How do I decide enough is enough and just take him to the hospital, since we can't do it the way we were trying to plan to. How do I get him in the car and over there and then have the strength to leave him there? How do I walk out of that place without him with me? I'm scared every minute, hell every second, something is going to set him off and he's going to go totally psycho on me. He's a 48 pound 7 year old for cripes sake, I should not be scared of him! Everything I tell him he responds with no. He will not follow instructions, he will not do anything I ask him to do, he constantly responds with "well you hate me then" or "you don't love me" or "you are trying to kill me". *sigh* I can't take this much longer. Something needs to happen. I wish I could say if we took him right now that the husband could be here DEFINITELY to be a part of this process, but the truth of the matter is, the answer to that is probably no. And most of all, he HAS to be here for this because he needs to learn how to keep his shit under control too. He needs to learn NOT to over react when the kid does things, and I've been telling him that since toddlerdome and it obviously hasn't sunk in. So I cannot do the whole hospital thing without him being here because otherwise it's not going to help things completely.

I'm freaking exhausted. I'm sick (literally.. blah) and tired and I'm a total bitch right now because my patience is worn thing. I don't have it left in me to fight anymore. I can't do it. I think we need to just pack him up and take him to the hospital but I know the husband feels differently about that. So we sit and wait. Maybe if the kid breaks my nose because he hit me, then maybe the husband would finally think hospitalization is necessary. I don't know what it's going to take to get it through his head. I just want my kid fixed. Is that too much to ask? I should not be scared of my child.. ever and it breaks my heart that I am. :(

well we had a plan..

we came up with what we thought was the best plan for the kiddo. I spoke to our therapist this morning and told her the plan. Our plan was to bring him to the hospital the week before spring break. He would only miss one day of school and then the husband would be home the entire time the kiddo would be in the hospital. Anytime before that, the husband would be out to sea and it is imperative that he be there when the kiddo is in the hospital. It took many conversations and arguements and sleepless nights to come up with this decision and know in our hearts that this is the right choice for the kiddo.

So the therapist thought our plan was a good one and told me to call the hospital and let them know. I did. The person on the other end of the phone told me we could not plan an admission to the hospital. ummm why not? He needs the help regardless if we do it today, tomorrow or two weeks from now. She told me that we had to wait until we had another serious incident again before we could admit him. We can't just plan out an admission like we wanted to do. So I don't know where we go from here. I really have no idea. If he gets out of control next week while the hubby is gone, do I take him to the hospital then? What f-ing good will that do for the husband who NEEDS to be there for treatment and counseling and to just talk to the doctors? He NEEDS to be there to hear what they have to say. I can tell him everything until I'm blue in the face, but I do not think he will ever truly get it unless he actually hears it from a doctor.

So I feel like we're back to square one again. I just don't know what to do. Something has to change here.. we need help and we need it quickly. I feel like I'm drowing sometimes, other times I feel like I'm just rolling over and ignoring it because I don't want to set off the kiddo. I'm nervous and I'm scared and I just want him better. :(

I'm so conflicted.

I am so torn right now. I don't know what to do and I wish someone could just tell me the right choice to make. The kiddo needs help. period. end of story. He needs help. More help than I can give him, more help than the professionals we see now can give him. Was it a mistake not admitting him to the hospital last Wednesday when this all went down? Should I put him in a day treatment facility? Honestly, that seems like the best option for us. But they have a waiting list. :( That does him no good. So what do I do in the meantime? I wish I could find some sort of therapy place that can see him on a very regular basis and ensure that we get a handle on this. I wish that I had a magic wand to make this all go away and make my kid normal again. It kills me that he's this messed up, but I'm scared for my safety. What happens when the hubby is out to sea and the kiddo grabs a knife and comes after me because he's so angry? What happens if he hurts me so badly I cannot call for help? What happens if he's so out of control and I have to call the police to come subdue my fucking 7 year old? I'm scared. I'm worried, I'm scared, I'm anxious, I'm nervous as hell, I just want a normal kid. That's all. Is that too much to ask? Should I call the hospital back and admit him since the hubby is definitely off work for the next week? Is that the right thing to do? Would a week be enough to fix him? I hate this. I fucking hate this.

Mindless rambling..

so much is going on right now. The kiddo did not go to school today as we had planned. He says he doesn't want to go back at all, so we'll see where we end up with that. If I thought I could effectively home school him, I would do it in a heartbeat, but I cannot provide him with what he needs right now.

the psych and the therapist both think my child needs to be admitted to a hospital or a day treatment program. I gave in and called the day facility today. While I think it would be a viable option for us, they have a waiting list and they can't say how long we'd be on it. The good news is, they offer anger management therapy for kids and parenting skills workshops to help us better deal with this. I am going to fill out the application and go through the screening process with them and hopefully at the very least we can do these things. Even if it completely disrupts our regular schedule, we need to do something.

I'm not denying that something needs to change, because I wholeheartedly agree it does. I've been telling his doctors that for months. And unfortunately now we are at a point where there needs to be extreme measures taken according to them.

I'm exhausted.. both emotionally and physically. I've lost 7 pounds since Wednesday when this all went down because I'm barely able to eat. I'm on the verge of tears constantly and hold my breath every time I tell him no about something. I should not be living my life in fear of my 7 year old child. I wish I had an immediate solution that we could start working with right now, besides admitting to the hospital. I've been second guessing myself since we were at the hospital Wednesday. I want him to not be so angry anymore. I want him to be happy. I want to see him smiling all the time, not looking so sad and depressed all the time. I want things back to normal.

Need positive energy...

we're heading to the psych in about an hour or so. he finally called me back yesterday and he said we should have admited the kiddo, which honestly really upset me hearing that from him. I'm hoping I do not have to fight with him about changing meds. I want him off of the strattera because I believe it is the problem. These behaviors significantly intensified when we upped the dosage of strattera. I should have called the dr weeks ago, but we're so used to living with an explosive child that I didn't think anything of it. Looking back on everything, the changes occured after we upped the dosages, other side effects began occurring after we upped the dosage. I'm pretty sure all the puking DS has done over the past few weeks has been the medication. He's told us it makes his tummy feel blah, I just assumed he was saying that to get out of taking it because he didn't want to take it and was giving us all sorts of excuses.

At 230ish this afternoon we're also going to the school to see his teacher. She called again last night to check on us and I told her C wanted to come get his backpack and school work, so we'd stop by after school today. Several parents approached her yesterday asking what happened. She didn't tell them much of anything.. I mean she can't legally... I don't remember what she said she told them, but I was happy with her response. I don't want to even step foot back in that school at this point.. I'm absolutely mortified by the situation.

I'm just exhausted. I want to sleep all day, I want to stay home, I do not want to go to the drs and have him tell me again he thinks I should have left my 7 year old in a hospital without me for God knows how long. The hubby is now gone for almost a week.. I am so scared that something horrible is going to happen here with him gone. This sucks.. this really sucks and I'm seriously questioning my decision to not admit him now.. I just want things back to normal...

Out of control

The kiddo is on a major downward spiral. We ended up at the psychiatric hospital with him yesterday and almost had him admitted because he completely lost control at school and was raging in a major way for 35 minutes. My school is being so great about it and are so supportive of me, but it still sucks. We've been trying to get into the drs for awhile now to change his meds. We got a diagnosis from the neuro psych a couple weeks ago and his diagnosis reads like this.. "bipolar, aspergers, adhd, combined" He suggested various other meds to help control the anger/mood swing problems we've been having but I didn't want to make any changes to meds until spring break when I knew he'd be out of school for a week. Obviously we cannot wait that long now. He was completely out of control at school yesterday, even ran from the school at one point. He did this in front of the entire second grade, half the third grade and numerous staff members. There was hitting, punching, kicking, cursing, spitting, and lots of screaming involved. Three of us (including one HUGE man who should be a professional football player just for his size alone) trying to restrain him. Our assistant principal was on the floor with him and she's 18 weeks pregnant.. all I could think about was him hurting her and the baby. It breaks my heart thinking about how his classmates will react to him being back in school on Monday. He's out today and tomorrow by my choice, not the schools. We go back to our psych tomorrow and will hopefully get some meds that will work almost immediately. The hubby is supposed to go back out to sea tomorrow and I'm scared to be alone with the kiddo until we have this under control. He rages like this at home and I'm scared he's going to seriously hurt me or himself. He's told me several times in his raging state that he wants to kill me. I hope I did the right thing not admitting him.. I am questioning myself so much there, but I truly believe that would have made things a million times worse. The severe rages have been going on for weeks.. on an almost daily basis.. at home. But it's just at home.. never has it gotten like that at school. Everyone was so worried about him and me yesterday.. the principal and assistant principal both gave me their cell phone numbers before we went to the hospital, his teacher called me at home last night and I just spoke with the AP again this morning.

So basically my life sucks ass at this present point in time. I'm severely sleep deprived because he's not sleeping, I'm stressed out, I'm over emotional and life just generally sucks. So I've been staying away because I didn't want to snap at anyone else, but felt I owed you all an explanation and really could just use some support and prayers. My IRL friends basically suck or are so far away that only a phone call will do.. so I have no one right now. My mom and sister were both completely amazing yesterday when I was dealing with all. My Mom is out of town on business and was in a meeting, but stayed on the phone with me while i drove to the hospital and then called my sister for me. My sister was willing to leave work to come sit with us at the hospital and has offered to do whatever we need this weekend. My mom even offered to come down this weekend to help out. Connor's teacher is amazing too and she called me last night and told me if I needed any help whatsoever while Russ was gone to call her and she'd be right over. She lives fairly close to where we live.